I have written about anger before but this is a question that still remains unclear.
Why are some people just angry by nature? Does being angry give a person the right to burst out into a mean, out of control rant?
We often tiptoe around angry people so we don’t ‘set them off . People often get used to angry rants and are afraid or just don’t want to address their angry behavior.
Here are some tips: if you are the angry one, begin to become aware of where you learned your angry style. Which of your parents did you learn from? How did you feel when the rant was directed toward you? Identify the feelings that you are having that may feel like anger, but are not. The anger is just a habit, or a convenient expression of much deeper, uncomfortable feelings. Here are some possible emotions you are avoiding: feeling disrespected, sadness, inadequacy, fear of being out of contro, or resentment toward the one whose anger you were the victim of. The thing that set you off was just a trigger and has very little to do with the person you’re currently ranting at. Being aware of what you are really feeling is the beginning of controlling those angry rants. The feeling always begins with an increased heart rate or knot in the stomach. The time to take control is at the first sign of anger building. Choose to take 3 deep breaths slowly in and out. As you breathe in think ‘calm’ and as you breathe out release stress. Decide to remove yourself from the situation for a few minutes so you can plan your words to respond instead of reacting to the situation. The best way to express your anger is to use the words, “ I’m really angry because…..” Anger isn’t bad, it’s a very normal feeling. It’s only bad if you hold on to it and let it grow. When that happens it builds until it feels out of control. You are never out of control but sometimes you neglect to use your control. It becomes a habit and is rather unfair to those you impose it upon. Punching a pillow or a punching bag can be helpful to release the adrenaline you have built up. Other forms of exercise will also work to use up that adrenaline.
If you are the victim of the anger: remain calm and let the person know that their behavior is unacceptable and you will be happy to discuss and issue when they are ready and feel better. When possible, ignore the words and focus on the feelings. For example ; “ I see you’re really upset and angry. What’s going on?” Remind them that you know they’re feeling terrible but you don’t like being screamed at.
People who lash out in anger don’t see them as being abusive but the victim of their rant often feels abused. Those who have these angry tirades have often been the victim of someone else’s rants and therefore have themselves been abused in the same way. They learned through their experiences. The cycle can stop!
Holding in anger is never the answer. Anger is like a hot coal; it only hurts when you hold on to it.
I believe that it’s not about how angry you are, it’s about how you handle that anger it’s also about what the real underlying causes are and how to learn to cope with those feelings in a meaningful effective way. When you know better, you do better!