Anger is a very normal, appropriate emotion that we experience when things are out of our control. How can one tell if anger is a problem or an issue that needs intervention or attention?
I have seen many clients who have physical and emotional problems as a result of their deep rooted anger. My experience has been that severe anger is related to issues from the past. When some things ‘triggers anger’ they are not the cause of the anger, they all re just certain thing that remind you on an unconscious level of an anger you suffered before that made you feel powerless. Something that you were unable, or unwilling to deal with.
Most people are not formally taught how to handle anger. Often anger is learned about by observing and being the recipient of other’s anger growing up. When parental anger is out of control in dealing with children, besides frightening their children, they are teaching them how to express and handle anger. It is a vicious cycle. As a health teacher I taught anger management and learned a lot from my students. When their parents used violence or screaming when angry, the students learned to do the same. Many students were angry at their parents for a variety of reasons and that’s when I learned that people only act bad, when they feel bad. As students learned to handle their anger in an effective way, they often shared their skills with their parents!
One of my angry clients told me he learned anger management and when he is angry, he just controls it by holding it in instead of expressing it in a violent or volatile way. That’s what he was taught in anger management. Holding anger in is not an effective or productive way to manage it. That creates more anger and turns it inward on oneself, creating physical and emotional problems. Controlling anger is about learning how to express the anger using words appropriately and feeling safe and comfortable expressing that anger without fear of being judged or rejected. I have noticed that when my clients are angry at their partners or children it is because they can’t control them. When they learn that they cannot control anyone but them selves, and that they are not doing a great job of that, their perspective changes. They feel frustrated but not angry. When they begin to change their response to others, the others change. That angry feeling made them revert back to the way they felt as a child when they were a victim of someone else’s anger and felt out of control. The current situation ‘triggers’ the old feeling of anger, that why it is often much bigger than the situation would normally create.
One of the best ways to identify an anger problem is to ask yourself if your anger response is bigger and more severe than the situation warrants. If you find yourself overreacting to situations repeatedly it’s time to get help. If you feel angry all the time about one thing or another, it’s time to get help. If your angry behavior is out of control, it’s time to get help. The good news is that the solution is easier than you think and it is not a long drawn out process when hypnosis or Meridian Tapping is used.
Very often severe, out of control of anger isn’t really the problem, it’s a symptom of a problem that until identified and resolved, will continue to cause problems. Relationships fall apart because one partner is reluctant to try to speak to the angry party because it’s ‘not worth it’! Fear of making someone angry gets in the way of healing a relationship. The angry person intimidates everyone and they blame their behavior on others. I’m reminded of the physically abusive person who says, “you made so mad, I had to hit you!”
Life doesn’t have to be so difficult and it doesn’t have to be so hard to live with someone who is always angry. Anger hurts everyone when it spins out of control. It’s like a habit and like any other repetitive behavior, habits can easily be changed, as long as the angry person wants to change. Just listen to the events on the news to see the effect anger is having on our society. With guns being so accessible, angry, out of control people make the headlines everyday when someone is murdered because the shooter could not control or release their anger in an effective way. Learning about anger helps everyone!
